Sunday, April 12, 2009

Made It Back Alive!

BAM ZAM! 6:21, the PJ (private jet) just touched down at Burbank Airport. I fucking refuse to fly into LAX. I. Fucking. Refuse. After this, off to Stroup's for Easter Dinner.

For those of you that didn't catch SNL last night, it was incredible! A total laugh riot. A. Total. Fucking. Laugh. Riot. Zefron was fantastic. After the show, Zefron ditched all those theater fags that make up the SNL cast and joined myself and D-Bag for some late night debauchery. We headed over to Angels & Kings. Now I know what you are thinking, Dave, that place isn't really up to your usual standards, and trust me I completely fucking agree. They serve drinks that cost less than ten dollars... disgusting. You will never catch me in an establishment that has a drink available for a mere $3. Never.... except for last night, can't say no to Zefron! Plus, D-Bag was all about it. He ran into some friends (check out the pic at the bottom of the post, D-Bag is completely toasted!) For those of you that live under a fucking rock, Angels & Kings is owned by Pete Wentz of The Fallout Boys. Not really my cup of tea, when it comes down to it, like me, Pete Wentz is fucking rich, and I can get with that.

The night is a total fucking blur. D-Bag and I were drinking throughout the entire taping of SNL. Secuirty at 30 Rock is so fucking barbaric. They tried to tell me we couldn't bring in outside drinks into the taping room. I said if you can provide me with a drink like the one in my hand, a glass of Macallan Fine Rare Collection 1926 on the fucking rocks, nothing else. Nothing. Fucking. Else... then I'll be happy to purchase one.... otherwise I'm drinking this fucking drink. They started a scene trying to take the drink away from me... D-Bag texted L.Michaels and got the whole thing taken care of. I mean could you believe this guy, a bottle of Macallan Fine Rare Collection 1926, cost $38,000... that's probably more than that piece of shit makes in a year.

Till next time folks!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Saturday Fucking Night Live

Zing Zam Zoom! Jetted over to NYC to catch my bro Efron hosting SNL tonight with some faggy musical guest called the Yeah Yeah I Don't Give A Flying Fucks. I. Don't. Anyways, as you probably guessed, I have with me as always my partner in crime, D-Bag. We are in a limo right on our way to have dinner and drinks at the Le Bernadin (you most likely can't afford to eat here), and hopefully pick up some of that high class married pussy. My favorite kind. My. Favorite. Fucking. Kind. Well, this update is nice and short, I'm typing this entry via my Blackberry/iPhone/Bluetooth or whatever the fuck this thing is, I have so many I can't keep track. Be back in LA no later than noon tomorrow, don't ask me how. I'm celebrating Easter with D-Bag and Jessica Stroup (google her). It's more of a business affair, she's looking into getting some work done, and I wouldn't mind fucking her. Met her at a premiere, she invites me to Easter dinner, what a lady. I ask if I can bring a guest. Sure she thinks I'm showing up with a forgettable whore, little does she know my guest is Don-motherfucking-Cheadle! Be sure to check back in a week or two, going to visit Don on the set of Iron Man 2!!! It's going to be a fucking blast!

Oh right right!!! Wait, Don won't let me log out without telling this story. Quicky. Fucking Quicky. Last night, we are blowing lines at some I don't give a fuck's house and all the sudden that song comes on that goes "I can see clearly now the rain is gone" blah blah sappy bullshit. So Don lays out this humongous line of coke, I mean it's the line to end them all... right as the the chorus of this shit song comes up he snorts the whole fucking thing then jumps on the table and sings "I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW THE COKE IS GONE!" Fucking hilarious. Fucking. Hilarious.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

My New Fucking Face

Long time no speak friends and family (well what's left of them! just kidding, for those of you who don't know, I cut off all ties to my family expect for my cousin Al who lives in Boys Town off of Belmont... kids a total fag but he has ambition). From the title of this post you might be thinking to yourself if your a man, "Holy shit, Dave! Did you get plastic surgery on your face? Why the fuck would you do that, you don't need that shit!"... and if your a woman, namely Don Cheadle's wife (just kidding D-Bag!), your probably thinking, "Oh no say it ain't so! Dave, you are probably, wait, no you are the most handsome man I've ever met, please tell me you didn't cut up your face!".... Well, you all can relax. No scalpel to this priceless mug. Let me explain... when I was 18 and I broke into the limelight after operating on D-Bag's wife, I was constantly being hawked by the press and paparrazi. I needed to present myself in a professional way, along with giving off a fuck you I'll fuck every woman in this entire city type vibe to really let people know what I'm about. Well, after five years of doing this same face, which is basically the Bob Pattinson look from Twilight, I've decided I want to change my face. Something that sends a professional message along with fuck you I'll fuck every woman in this entire city and have a great unbelievable time as well! So... I took the face out for a test drive last night, here's a pic! Let me know what you think, actually don't I don't give a fuck what you think. I know it's immaculate and mezmorizing. This is what I fucking do.

Anyways, looking forward to the weekend. Got the premiere of FAST AND FURIOUS... yeah, you guessed it, I'm going with D-Bag and his ol' ball and chain. Be sure to check out her new tits, OPPS SORRY DON! I couldn't resist! They are truly a work of art. You could have tits like that for a mere $1.2 million. Think about it, or don't and give me a call, if you can fucking afford me, otherwise don't. I really hope Joaquin Phoenix is there... I think plastic surgery is something in his near future. The guy is redifing himself. I think a Blepharoplasty ( reshaping of the eyelids or the application of permanent eyeliner ) and a proper chin augmentation could take his edge to whole new level.

Let's get political for a moment. Just a brief moment, I think it's very neccassary for influential public figures like myself to speak on politics... so here is what I have to say.... Everyone needs to shut the fuck up about the economic climate.... you know what the climate is... my $500k custom marble hot tub that I'm sitting in right now says that it's 104 degrees, not to shabby if you ask me!

I almost forgot, I'd like to officially announce that Wal-Mart will now be selling concert tickets... and you can thank ME for it! This is something I've had brewing on the sides for years and we finally closed the deal. Now poor middle American fucks can buy baby formula, Camel Lights (no negative connotation to the Camel corporation, I own 1.8% of the company), Ramen noodles, cheap plastic bottles of Popov vodka, and fucking concert tickets all Wal-Mart.

Well that's all she wrote. Time to get out of this tub, towel off, jump in my Aston Martin DBS and head out Sunset... having dinner with Ron Howard at my favorite Thai joint... TOI! Love it there! Fucking amazing! Fucking spectacular. Also, there is always great young pussy there.... not like young daddy's college girl pussy... but like young rock n roll rebelious whisky drinking david bowie loving pussy... in my opinion, the best kind.