Thursday, April 2, 2009

My New Fucking Face

Long time no speak friends and family (well what's left of them! just kidding, for those of you who don't know, I cut off all ties to my family expect for my cousin Al who lives in Boys Town off of Belmont... kids a total fag but he has ambition). From the title of this post you might be thinking to yourself if your a man, "Holy shit, Dave! Did you get plastic surgery on your face? Why the fuck would you do that, you don't need that shit!"... and if your a woman, namely Don Cheadle's wife (just kidding D-Bag!), your probably thinking, "Oh no say it ain't so! Dave, you are probably, wait, no you are the most handsome man I've ever met, please tell me you didn't cut up your face!".... Well, you all can relax. No scalpel to this priceless mug. Let me explain... when I was 18 and I broke into the limelight after operating on D-Bag's wife, I was constantly being hawked by the press and paparrazi. I needed to present myself in a professional way, along with giving off a fuck you I'll fuck every woman in this entire city type vibe to really let people know what I'm about. Well, after five years of doing this same face, which is basically the Bob Pattinson look from Twilight, I've decided I want to change my face. Something that sends a professional message along with fuck you I'll fuck every woman in this entire city and have a great unbelievable time as well! So... I took the face out for a test drive last night, here's a pic! Let me know what you think, actually don't I don't give a fuck what you think. I know it's immaculate and mezmorizing. This is what I fucking do.


Anyways, looking forward to the weekend. Got the premiere of FAST AND FURIOUS... yeah, you guessed it, I'm going with D-Bag and his ol' ball and chain. Be sure to check out her new tits, OPPS SORRY DON! I couldn't resist! They are truly a work of art. You could have tits like that for a mere $1.2 million. Think about it, or don't and give me a call, if you can fucking afford me, otherwise don't. I really hope Joaquin Phoenix is there... I think plastic surgery is something in his near future. The guy is redifing himself. I think a Blepharoplasty ( reshaping of the eyelids or the application of permanent eyeliner ) and a proper chin augmentation could take his edge to whole new level.

Let's get political for a moment. Just a brief moment, I think it's very neccassary for influential public figures like myself to speak on politics... so here is what I have to say.... Everyone needs to shut the fuck up about the economic climate.... you know what the climate is... my $500k custom marble hot tub that I'm sitting in right now says that it's 104 degrees, not to shabby if you ask me!

I almost forgot, I'd like to officially announce that Wal-Mart will now be selling concert tickets... and you can thank ME for it! This is something I've had brewing on the sides for years and we finally closed the deal. Now poor middle American fucks can buy baby formula, Camel Lights (no negative connotation to the Camel corporation, I own 1.8% of the company), Ramen noodles, cheap plastic bottles of Popov vodka, and fucking concert tickets all Wal-Mart.

Well that's all she wrote. Time to get out of this tub, towel off, jump in my Aston Martin DBS and head out Sunset... having dinner with Ron Howard at my favorite Thai joint... TOI! Love it there! Fucking amazing! Fucking spectacular. Also, there is always great young pussy there.... not like young daddy's college girl pussy... but like young rock n roll rebelious whisky drinking david bowie loving pussy... in my opinion, the best kind.

CHEERS!

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